Sunday, July 31, 2011

two years- a letter from coop's sister.

today; july 31, 21011, marks the 2 year anniversary since your passing.
wow how time has flown by. it seems like just yesterday you were bossing me around, refusing to let me put sunscreen on your tan tan body, running around without clothes or shoes on, refusing to eat anything i made for you, being your silly silly self. i miss it. i miss you
around this time every year, memories come flooding in. feelings come flooding in. its hard. it takes my breath away, and sometimes i just want to sit and cry. but i know i cant. i have to keep going, keep breathing, keep living.
every once in a while, your accident will ring heavily in my head, and i will remember the emotions and feelings that i had that day and the days and weeks that followed. its not fun. i remember when chance told me about it. i remember the long, hard drive home from 7 Peaks. i remember how i couldn't sleep at all that night, and how i got in bed with mom and dad. i remember when the feeling of shock and numbness went away and reality hit me; that you were really gone. i remember that feeling of absence that no one could take away. i remember feeling SO frustrated because i couldn't see or hear you.
but then i remember the good things. the reassuring peace re-enters my mind, and for a moment everything is okay again. i remember how strong your spirit was for a long time and how grateful i was that you stayed close to my heart. i remember holding your hand at the mortuary, and for the first time since your passing, seeing your face as you ran to me. i remember being able to hear your laugh, and hear you say my name the way you did when you were here. i remember the time when you visited me in my dream, the most real feeling dream i have ever had. i am so grateful for those amazing experiences that i have had. i hope they never stop!
cooper, i have learned a lot through this trial. i have learned that you cant have happiness without a little pain. but i also have learned that through that hurt, i will be made strong once again. i can rise above this, and i will. it seems that every time i have one of those, "this isn't fun" experiences, something comes over me and lets me know that this is only going to make me better. after every dark feeling i have, i remember you and your sweet face and i am made whole once again.
i miss everything about you. honestly. even though you were a little stinker most of the time. i miss hearing you whine because you want gum. i miss helping you secretly reach the chocolate even after mom told you that you couldn't eat any till after dinner. i miss teaching you. i miss taking pictures of you. i miss snuggling with your warm little body, and feeling your heartbeat and your small, shallow breaths. i miss hearing you laugh and cry. i miss your little hands. i miss your tiny, yet perfect nose. i miss you skinny stick legs and your flimzy arms. i miss your pearly white teeth, and your perfect blonde hair. i miss bribing you to hear you say "i love you hunter, my favorite sister ever." i miss your giggle. i miss the soft kisses that you would give me as i left for school. i miss coming home and recieving a big bear hug from you.
i love looking back and being able to remember times that i helped you. i am grateful for those times. they show me to never take for granted what you have. you never know how quickly something will be gone. i cherish all of those funny little memories, and think of them often. some of them make me laugh, while others move me to tears. each of them good memories.
i am so grateful for the eternal perspective you have helped me to attain. because of you, i know where i want to end up, and who i want to be there with me. because of you, i like the way i should so i can stand worthily at the feet of my heavenly father and have him say to me, "you served me well my little child, come into my arms to stay."
cooper, today i am thankful for you. for everything you have taught me. for the doors you open up for me each and every day. i am grateful that i can take quiet moments to remember you, and in those quiet moments, i can feel your sweet spirit. i am grateful for the memories. i am grateful that because of you, i know without a doubt that i am a daughter of god. i know that my heavenly father loves me. i know that i have a savior that died for ME so i can live with you once again. i know that he felt every sad and lonely feeling that i have ever felt, and he is always there to renew my spirit and mind. i know that i can live with you, mom, dad, carson, kennedy, duncan and lincold again. i know so many things because of you sweet boy. i truly know that when i crumble to my knees, you will be there to hold my hand and walk me through this. you have many times, and i have seen your hand in my life.
i miss you, but i know where you are. i can feel you in my heart every day. i know that you are watching over me every day, and i know you're not gone forever. in heavens time, you're only seconds away.
i love you cooper, and i miss you more and more every day. i also appreciate you more and more every day, but i know that you are here with me.
dont get too big on me, okay? i love you.

love always and forever,
your sister, hunter.

rest well my little angel boy.

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